The Other Reality

I feel paralyzed

Posted in MFA, Personal reflections, Studio Work by aryckman on January 8, 2009

I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

I don’t know what I’m doing. This isn’t just a vague statement like “I don’t know what I’m going to eat for breakfast” or “I don’t know what shirt I should wear.” Because, truthfully, those things probably don’t really matter… and who knows maybe my problems don’t matter either.

I’m feeling down about just about everything and it’s a hard rut to get out of.  I spent the first half of the semester worried about not getting anything done, I spent a lot of time thinking about how to work and what I was going to do as far as my studio work was concerned and now I’m feeling panicked that I’m not going to get stuff done on time.  Everyone I share this sentiment with seems to think that I’ve done enough work and that I’ll be fine.  Looking at all my prints and plates I feel like I have done a lot but I’m still completely lost on what to do with it all. Sure I’ve done a lot but if I show up to my residency with a bucket of prints is it going to look like I even tried. The problem is that I’m getting sick of these images.  I look at them again and again trying to decide what they should become, how will they be presented and I hate them. I don’t hate them though, I love them just like I love the place they depict but I hate that they have to become something more.  Maybe I’m not being objective enough about this but if I wanted to work objectively then why the hell would I have picked something so personal to work on. I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling stuck. I don’t know what to do with myself. I force myself to work on things but then at the end of the day, after I’ve spend hours and hours working I look back and it feels like there is nothing to show for it. Its driving me crazy.

Yesterday morning I made a list of what I needed to do. Sure I got some things crossed off but I only added to it as the day went on and I’ll add more to it today. Is it possible to ever get these lists to the point where it is possible to complete them? Even if they just tricked me into thinking I could that would be something. Right now everything seems daunting and I feel paralyzed. I don’t know where to start and most of the time I don’t think that it will make a difference.

And then I get upset because I’m letting all this get to me. I think “stop your bitching and get some shit done” but it doesn’t help.

Ok Lexi, it really is time to stop your bitching (and blogging) and get some stuff done. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, only assholes do that (thanks Nagasawa those are words to live by).

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